This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
