And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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