Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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