dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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