i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol