non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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