hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
