is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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