your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
