Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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