Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
