She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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