I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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