You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
