New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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