meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
