She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
