i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
