Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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