I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
