It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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