Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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