paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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