dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
