my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
