On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
