I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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