I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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