I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Actions speak louder than pants.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
