Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
