Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
