im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
