just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
