You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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