We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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