she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
