but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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