I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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