You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
