Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
