I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
