totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
