please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
