I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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