Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
