Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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