im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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