I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
