Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
