Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
