I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
