Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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