I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
