saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
