Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I won't apologize to a one balled man
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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