Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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