Sry I called you an 8
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
