god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
