Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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