Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
