We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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