Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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