What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
